Perfunction

Happy Labor Day

Off to the lake, so this'll be the last post for the long weekend. Wait {pressing finger to ear, serious expression}. Yes. Mmmmm. OK, I have an update.

She is not alive. Repeat: NOT ALIVE.

This Just In

Yep. Still dead.

Supersize Me

Virgin Chicken.

Burnt Lion's Head.

And chef's special, Steamed Crap.

You'd think standardized menus would be a slam dunk for central planning busybodies, but the Chinese are finally getting around to getting rid of strange menu items in preparation for the Beijing Olympics.

Which of course let's me finally link an Internet chestnut: Cowboy Leg.

30% Less Disco

The National Football League has a new logo:

This is one of those logos you just don't think about much, like General Electric's. But when it is side-by-sided with the new, crisp masculine version, the old NFL logo looks like it should have a white-man-afro and collars out to here. The spongy roundness of the font reminds me of a 1978 Burger King.

Nice upgrade.

Breaking News

Princess Diana is still dead.

Angelina Jolie In Iraq

Who knew? She was there under the aegis of the UN, not the USO, visiting refugee camps on the Iraq-Syria border:

The American actress, who is a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees, traveled to Syria and Iraq on Monday and Tuesday, the agency said in a statement. Jolie also separately visited U.S. troops in the area. She headed home from Syria on Wednesday according to UNHCR officials, after a visit wrapped in secrecy and with no media coverage.

Why no media coverage for such an important UN ambassador and film star? How do you generate goodwill if no one knows about it? Isn't that, like, THE POINT?

As an imperialist zealot, I would guess the whole troop visit part was just too inconvenient. Jolie can't afford to be photographed providing comfort to American legions, hence the stealth.

But I would be wrong.

Here's the snip that reveals the true reason for the media blackout:

Unlike Iraqis, who are allowed to enter and settle in Syria, Palestinian residents of Iraq are mostly prevented from entering the country, leaving them stranded at the border.

These are not victims of the American War Machine. They are (more) victims of the Arab world's age-old manipulation of the Palestinians. They are quite useful, nay, indispensable, in Israel itself. But if they're locked out of friendly nations' borders in refugee camps, well, tough.

And the UN can't afford to let that little facet of Jolie's trip get in the way of its greater mission regarding Israel.

Grudging kudos to the Associated Press for providing this important perspective on Jolie's Iraq visit. Compare it to this. Or this. Or this. Ix-Nay on the Alestinians-Pay.

Smoking Centurion

I'm not a smoker, but this still warms my heart for some reason:

The former launderette worker said she started the habit in 1914 - just weeks after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo on June 28 - which sparked the First World War.

Despite the numerous health warnings, Mrs Langley insists she's never suffered because of the habit as she "has never inhaled".

Happy Birthday, Winnie!

PS: I know it should be "centenarian"---I just want some horny BSG geek traffic.

Crippled Children Shortage Solved

What do you do when your charitable organization is wildly successful in its efforts to help children? Well, enterprising Shriners in Chattanooga plow into a parade crowd with their funny little cars:

Kucinich's Dream Cabinet Member

From the shipping-two-washers-for-a-jagillion-bucks scandal to the early history writing regarding Rumsfeld's war management, the Department of Defense has been taking its licks. That's why it is somewhat refreshing that we at least don't have needledicks like this to contend with:

"I personally find that the path the US is following here is wrong. It makes no sense to build a missile defence shield in Europe. All it will do is ignite unnecessary and old Cold War debates," he added.

The United States insists the missile shield will protect against potential attacks from Iran.

But Darabos said: "I don't see that risk. Old spectres are being evoked that we had actually banished."

A former conscientious objector, the Social Democrat minister argued that "there must be other ways" to counter the threat from Iran, pointing out that "the US did reach a compromise with North Korea."

Darrabos is the Defence Minister of Austria.

Vive La Prague Spring

Today is the anniversary of the end of the Prague Spring uprising---crushed by Soviet tanks on August 21, 1968. The more things change:

Russia's military chief told the Czech Republic it would be making a "big mistake" to host a U.S. missile defense shield on its soil and urged Prague on Tuesday to delay a decision until a new U.S. president is elected.

Baluyevsky made his comments on the 39th anniversary of the Russian invasion of Czechoslovakia to crush the "Prague Spring," when Soviet tanks ended an attempt by the government of the day to promote liberal reforms.

You'd think the Russians would pick a better day to threaten the Czechs.

I've been to Prague on three separate occasions since 1990, and each time was amazed by their love of Americans. Notwithstanding the current spate of Euroweenie USA-bashing going on, I can't help but think General Baluyevsky just swayed about 10% of the Czechs to support our missile defense radar.

Wee Wee-Wee In Need Of Speedy Freedom

Lemme just quote the headline and leave it at that: British Dwarf's Penis Gets Stuck To Hoover

Hungry Hungry Gestapos!

Nazi-era German board games to be auctioned off in London:

In a pinball-style game called Bombers Over England, German children scored 100 points by destroying London or the British submarine base at Scapa Flow, Scotland. Players also could win 100 points for hitting Calais, France (which was still French-controlled), and lower scores for British cities such as Aberdeen (60), Birmingham (50) and Liverpool (40). They lost points by hitting Nazi-controlled cities in Europe, such as Brussels and Amsterdam.

I'd like to see their version of Maustrappenklatchenunterhaltenungen Mouse Trap.

Coinkydink? Iraq War Reporting Slumps Since April

A new study by the giggle-inducing "Project for Excellence in Journalism" finds that US media reports related to the Iraq war have plummeted since April 2007:

A report by the Washington-based Project for Excellence in Journalism found that in the three-month period covering April, May and June, reports on Iraq tumbled from 22 to roughly 15 percent.

Why?

That fall was attributed to a decline in coverage of the Washington-based policy debate, which slumped by 42 percent after Democrats failed to impose timetables in legislation of the war, the study said.

Hmmm, and what else was going on back in April?

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada said in April he believed that "this war is lost and that the surge is not accomplishing anything." Reid was referring to the roughly 30,000 troops and support personnel sent to Iraq this spring.

So, in April, the Surge barely survives crib death and the media blackout of (better) Iraq news certifiably begins.

The Quest For The Donkey Kong Kill Screen

Mozart & Salieri.

Roy Munson & Ernie McCracken.

But the rivalry to end all rivalries is Steve Wiebe & Billy Mitchell's and their epic battle for classic, quarter-gobbling, pre-console Donkey Kong supremacy:

The soft-spoken and mild-mannered Wiebe is the protagonist of [the documentary]“The King of Kong.” But Billy Mitchell, without question, is the star.

Mitchell, now 42 and a hot sauce mogul in Hollywood, Fla., doesn’t fit the stereotype of an ace video gamer. He‘s cocky, charming — and sports a glossy shoulder-length hairdo that would make Shaun Cassidy envious. In the film, Mitchell is portrayed as arrogant, devious and Machiavellian — the Don Corleone of the classic gaming world.

Here's the trailer for The King of Kongs:

Why Isn't This News?

Incredible. A star (not a hunk of ice---a freakin' STAR), familiar to astronomers for the past 400 years, reveals it's comet-like tail. A wake 13 light years long:

Why do I learn of this from Lileks, two days after the story broke?

Englishmen Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation ... And BIKER WARS!

Mothertruckin' Road Warrior shit goin' down in Limeytown:

He said he would be astonished if the murder was carried out by another Hell's Angel because of the gang's code of loyalty. But he added that fringe elements may not be bound by the gang's principles and may be tempted to retaliate. Speaking close to the scene of the shooting, he said: "It would be foolish not to consider that there may be retaliation."

What are some better, English biker gang names (looking at S. Weasel)?

The Bloody Crumpets?

The Rolling Scones?

Uncle Kracker Arrested

No, not for this. This:

a 26-year-old woman alleged that a man had committed a sexual act against her at the Ess Lounge, a downtown nightclub.

And every time I read "Uncle Kracker," I think something totally different:

All Hail Globalization!

This is just the kind of trade Adam Smith was thinking of:

A New Delhi councillor has come up with a solution to the Indian city's stray dog menace ... Bharadwaj said he had read that Koreans were fond of dog meat.

Somewhat Random Police Squad Video

So, I'm searching YouTube for the Lt. Frank Drebin scuba surveillance scene from one of the Police Squad movies for the Dutch fisherman story below. Didn't find it.

But I did find this completely forgotten and random scene from one of the TV episodes. "They ran him outta town like a common pygmy."

84 Days Without Taking A Fish and ... BAM!

Who was more surprised?

"I heard a sound on my head and immediately I felt a jerk on my lip," Wim van Huffelen, who had been swimming in the North Sea.

Meet The Duct Tape Bandit

My new hero:

Police say Kasey G. Kazee, 24, wrapped his head with the sticky gray tape and then robbed Shamrock Liquors in Ashland, Ky.

Kazee says it wasn't him. During an interview at the local jail, he looks straight into the camera and says: "Look at me. Do I look like a duct-tape bandit baby? I'm not no duct-tape bandit. You hear me? Live one-on one Ashland, Kentucky, you know this is not me. Do the math, do the homework, man."

It gets better. According to the local paper:

Kazee entered Shamrock Liquors at 13th Street and Pollard Road with his entire face and head — save for openings for his eyes and mouth — covered with duct tape, and his shirt pulled up over his head in a manner reminiscent of “Cornholio,” the hyperactive alter ego of the character Beavis from the animated series “Beavis and Butthead.”

Now, could you imagine all the grannies reading the words Cornholio and Butthead in the local rural newspaper/feedrag?

Here's an interview with Whitetrash Zorro:

Jilted Bob Barker Fan Arrested

Some dude, spurned by his ex, neuters her cat:

Caswell was angry at his ex-girlfriend for not coming to his house Friday night. So Caswell drugged her cat "Romeo" with human medication and then castrated it with a box cutter.

Ancient Chinese Secret? Lead, Melamine & Antifreeze

News from the death-defying world of Chinese exports:

Cheung Shu-hung, who co-owned Lee Der Industrial Co., committed suicide at a warehouse over the weekend, apparently by hanging himself.

The comically named Shu-hung ran the company that manufactured all of those lead-painted Brain Damage Me Elmo dolls that Mattel recalled recently. His product joins the Pantheon of Chinese Quality Chinese Crap That Can Kill You & Your Family:

Antifreeze Toothpaste

Salmonella Petfood

Fragmentation Tires, now with Turbo TredSep(tm) tread separation technology.

I look forward to next year's Beijing 2008 Olympics and the offical frozen treat for sweaty tourists: DragonBite Icecream with Extra Glass Shardy Goodness.

Quick, Jessica! Start Flashing Your Vajayjay Or Something!

Jessica Alba needs to get in front of the whole "Derek Jeter gave her herpes" thing realquicklike. And short of getting thrown in the hoosegow for DUI and coke possession, the next best way to defuse/deflect attention is to start flashing It.

Seriously. If Britney's purple-fresh C-section scar can still haunt my dreams to this day, just imagine what kind of Jedi magic your magnificent Swedish Beaver can wreak. Derek Who-ter gave you what-ses?

Apparently, Jeter may have given the Gift to many:

Derek's most famous sexual conquests include Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo and most recently Jessica Biel.

So, Jessica, get to work. We need paparazzi getting-out-of-the-car-whoops! shots---STAT.

Trust me, Jessica, it's the only way. Oh, please dearlord, how I hope you trust me.

Mariah? Just keep wearing that butcher's apron.

Meet Steely McBeam, Pittsburgh's New Mascot

I know a certain sports prognosticating sandwich that will have a field day with this:

Steely McBeam was the winning entry among more than 70,000 names submitted by Steelers fans around the world. He is a contemporized version of the former Steelers logo, a steelworker, representing Pittsburgh's rich history in the steel industry.

And this related clip is just too good to leave over here (h/t: Dave And Thomas):

Judgement Day: The CSD500 Is Self-Aware

A British company has figured out how to make turbo self-starting condoms:

Its CSD500 condom helped men to get a firmer erection compared with a standard condom, increased penis size and made the sexual experience last longer, delivering statistically significant results.

The condom has a small amount of gel in its peak that dilates the arteries and increases blood flow to the penis.

It also travels back in time to kill Sarah Conner. With sweet, sweet love.

DiCaprio's Presidential Vote Up Still For Grabs

News flash, asshole: my vote cancels yours.

How Far Can YOU Throw An Alternator?

While the majesty of Beijing begins its year-long countdown, the Redneck Games invade east Texas:

The four-day "Redneck Games" took place about 70 miles southeast of Dallas and included an estimated 6,000 people, live music and competitions such as an ugly "butt-crack contest" and the "Mattress Chunk." The goal in the mattress contest was for a team of two to drink a 12 pack of beer, get in a pickup truck and start driving, then climb into the bed and throw the mattress as far as possible.

Not so fast, says Roscoe P. Coletrane:

"I'm an old fuddy duddy and all that, but you got a vehicle, you got alcohol, and you got illegal dumping, and you're making a contest out of that?" said Lt. Pat McWilliams, public information officer for the sheriff's department. "We are very fortunate that we didn't have a fatality."

The contestants also threw engine parts. Here's the MySpace page. How I wish I could hack into the slideshows and grab you some magnificent pics of the Buttcrack Contest.

The San Antonio paper reports an otherworldly visitor:

Much of the weekend buzz was generated by the brightly decorated "Girls Gone Wild," tour bus, which shimmered in the main pasture like a visitor from a distant galaxy.

There's also a mud-pit belly-flop contest:

"Just like taking a bath," said Lonnie "Tiny" Smith, a huge wrecker driver from Wills Point, after his first jump.

But, alas, there was some disappointment:

"We're having a good time. I wish they would get a little more trashy," said Stuart Fulton, 36, an offshore oil worker from New Orleans, of the passing women. "They're a bit too high class for me."

Keep it classy, Stu.

Attack Of The Swedish Beaver

Nickname of a Swedish tennis star? No.

A new Scandinavian chainsaw brand? No.

An obvious double-entendre? Hmmmm. Nope.

It's a freakin' beaver. From Sweden. That attacks grandmas:

"The beaver attacked the grandmother. She was seriously hit by the animal's tail and received a number of bites and scratches," an officer told the newspaper.

A beaver paddled my sister once. Bowwwn-chicka-bowowwowwnnnn.

UPDATE: Ola, fellow morons! Come for the beaver, stay for the marmoset. Thanks, Ace.

Edwards Unaffected By Homosexual Polling

Er, let's just get to the story:

Ahead of a Thursday night debate for Democrats in Los Angeles devoted to gay issues, Quinnipiac University's Swing State Poll asked about the impact of campaign endorsements by gay groups on voters in Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania.

"Being perceived as the candidate of gay rights turns off more voters than it attracts, although in general being considered the candidate of a special interest group seems to be a political loser," said Peter Brown, assistant director of Quinnipiac's polling unit.

Awwww, Cutest Stowaway In The Wor---GAAACK! thud.

Patient Zero arrived at La Guardia with his adorable Outbreak Monkey stuffed under his hat yesterday:

A plot to sneak a monkey into New York City was foiled Tuesday when airline passengers noticed the fist-size marmoset perched on the smuggler's ponytail.

Spirit Airlines wasn't too upset with the lil super-flu carrier scamp:

After the furry little guy was outed, the monkey spent the rest of the flight in the man's seat and was well-behaved.

The Spirit Airlines spokeswoman said they're calling the little guy "Spirit."

As in, Spirit the Civilization Reaping Marmoset.

Lego Man, Overboard!

Mysterious Giant Lego Man fished from sea. Navy investigates.

Steroid-Fueled Pit Bull Fighting!

Or something. Whatever. Barry Bonds hits 756***8**8*ASTERICK**8* home runs.

NYT Confirms: Scott Thomas Beauchamp Is MSM-Worthy

Finally. Officially blessing and green lighting the rest of the herd to proceed, the New York Times reports the 2-day old Weekly Standard scoop. The shit storm now gets ratcheted up a few notches. Non-pundit media (local papers, local TV, etc.) will now take their very first swipes at this story.

It will be interesting to see how many reflexively give credence to Beauchamp's lies---right before they report the whole "oh yeah, nearly forgot: the Army says he's lying" part. They might even get to the real story: The New Republic's pathetically inept institutional mendacity. This first bite of the apple will be fascinating to watch.

The Army says that he says he's lying. Oh yeah, nearly forgot. See? Happens to the best of us.

H/T: Gabriel Malor at Ace of Spades HQ.

UPDATE: Nice roundup by mesablue at Absolute Moral Authority.

Next Up, John Edwards Epilady

The Hillary Nutcracker is here! From the news article:

There's no delicate way to describe his latest product and invention, so we'll just come out with it. It's a 9-inch-tall, hard plastic image of Sen. Hillary Clinton with serrated, stainless steel thighs used for cracking nuts.

"I mean people are astounded by the function and the simplicity of it," Freeman said while giving the Hillary nutcracker a couple of squeezes.

And here's a fun, gospel romp of a video. Look for Nancy's solo:

The Kingdom: Great Trailer

Wow. I saw this preview yesterday before watching Matt Damon rockin' the shit in The Bourne Ultimatum. According to this recent NYT story, the makers didn't completely cave to the PC police, though it sounds like there are some throwaway scenes of prostration before the Religion of Peace(tm):

Confirmed: There Are No Taco Bells In India

Isn't it nice when you don't have to Google something to confirm it?

Dozens of bananas failed to do the trick but an Indian thief has finally produced a gold necklace he had snatched and then swallowed after police fed him a hearty meal of chicken, rice and local bread.

Reuters brings the funny:

Mohsin passed an uncomfortable night in jail, but not the piece of jewelry.

Saaaay, About My Lawnmower ...

I hate neighbors that don't return your stuff.

Beauchamp: NASA Infiltrator?

Cross-posted over at Ace's---he gave the keys to the short bus to all the passengers this weekend. YAAAAAY!

Mandatory Obligatory Required Jake Brown Skateboard Post

Some xtreme dude, Jake Brown, eats it at the X-Games:

EXTREEEEEEME:

UPDATE: Welcome fellow Ace morons! A guy leaves the office for the day and checks his stats the next morning and has a freakin' heart attack----nice way to start my Saturday. Thanks Ace!

TNR Confirms: Scott Thomas Beauchamp Is A Dick

The New Republic unveils its Scott Thomas Beauchamp fact-checking results and admits that Pvt. Emo did not ridicule the injured female soldier at a FOB in Iraq.

No, Beauchamp verbally abused the maimed veteran at his way station in Kuwait. Before he ever set boot in Iraq.

Excellent catch by geoff:

So all of Beauchamp's moral decay occurred before he ever saw combat. Before he entered the theater. Before the grind and inhumanity of war had its way with his tender soul.

This story was not about a cynical, war-weary soldier losing sight of humanity - it was about a newbie who had just finished training and was on his way to his first duty station. His behavior wasn't a result of the hardships of the combat environment - it was a result of his being an innate asshole. A huge, insensitive, loutish asshole.

What a dick. And a terrible writer:

Cut your wrist let it bleed onto the paper in unique soulpatterns of mindthoughts.

And Like That ... He's Gone

Allahlanche started at about 10:30 AM CT, ended about 3:30 PM. Biggest day at Perfunction ... EVAAAAH.

And then Ace obliquely pimp-slaps this filthy linkwhore with some interesting blog traffic observations regarding John Cole. Like another Ace commenter, I always heard "John Cole" and "Juan Cole" and got them mixed up.

But I never visited his (their?) blog(s?).

ZAP bitches! See what an Allahlanche does? I'm ready to buy some pit bulls or something!

In Memory Of

A Kentucky town is in uproar because of a family member's tombstone (video). This little fella must have been a real piece of work:

Which, of course, brings us to his namesake:

Sorry for all the scat today, but this was too good to pass.

UPDATE: Welcome, Hot Air readers! Feel free to poke around --- most posts are from the last couple of months. Thanks Allah, Bryan et al.

UPDATE: Thanks for the headline link, Ace. Let me be your source for internet poop stories (winceingly Googling German scheisse videos).

UPDATE: Hey, thanks for linky Sinistar/Bad Candy/doubleplusundead. Check out his most excellent fisking of Scott Thomas Beauchamp's blog---which is also shit-related.

UPDATE: bmac flatters this crusty linkwhore (thanks, dude)! He has a paradigm-shifting perspective on foreign oil dependency that made me smack my forehead.

Duuump Da-Dung Dump

Enviro-Dragnet! You simply cannot please these people. They keep telling me to compost everything that could possibly rot and stink in order to save the planet, but they drop the hammer on a composting superstar.

Walter Duque (pronounced "dookie" --- I was high during high school French class, shut up) was charged with running an illegal shit pile composting operation:

Neighbors complained about the odor wafting from Walter Duque's property in the rural community of Loxahatchee, where several acres were covered with manure piles up to 15 feet (4.5 meters) high.

What a dumb ass. He should have gotten a $392,000 manure earmark.

Reuters: Simply The Best

Some more crack editing from Reuters:

HEADLINE: Electronic Arts Posts Wider Quarterly Loss

First Sentence: SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Electronic Arts Inc, the world's biggest video game publisher, posted a smaller-than-expected quarterly loss...

Yes, yes, I know the diffence between analyst expectations and actual reported results. But this is still shitty editing.

Global Warming Opens Vast New Expanses of Sweet, Sweet Carbon

Yeah, the Russians are laying claim to the North Pole. Big deal, old news --- I'm not worried.

No, the fun part of this is how this Artic land grab has come about:

Global warming has given renewed impetus to the race for control of the Arctic.

Melting ice sheets could open up the fabled North East passage, the quest for which claimed countless sailors’ lives, for the first time.

The route, which could dramatically cut the length of a journey from Europe to Asia, could become navigable to commercial traffic within eight years.

So fossil fuels cause global warming which causes polar ice melts which reveal more fossil fuels ...

Hop In!

Why do some people turn to crime? I'm stumped:

He learned to live without limbs. He taught himself to drive. He starts the car with his toes, shifts with his knee and steers with the stump of his left arm. He turns on the lights with his teeth.

But now he is at the end of the road: He is scheduled to face a judge Friday for sentencing on a new round of felony traffic and drug possession charges. Prosecutors want to put him in jail for five years, and this time, Wiley says he's turning in the keys for good.

Kali Maaaaaa!!!

Rajesh Tajpuria lends a hand to Hindu goddess Kali.

I think this Reuters feller needs an editor:

More than 80 percent of Nepal's 26 million people are Hindus who frequently sacrifice animals such as goats, buffaloes and roosters in temples.

Twenty million goat-gutting, buffalo-offing rooster-butchers in Nepal? Really?

Springtime For Obama

To hell with it, let me be the first to make a wholly unjustified and outlandish comparison regarding Barack Obama's proposed unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation and nominal ally in the Global War on Terror.

Because you may have heard about a certain wartime president being compared to a certain wartime chancellor. (yes, I'm swiping bandwidth like crazy from these fuckers---hey, they want their art shown far and wide, correct?)

Well, Obama wants to go even further than Bush----blitzkrieging deep into the heart of tribal Pakistan. With ground troops.

So I suppose it's entirely fair to solicit some mad photoshop skills from any takers. Here's your canvass, arbeit macht frei: