Perfunction

Night Of The Guilty Plutocrat

One last horror story before Halloween's up. Warren Buffett, the world's third richest man, is complaining that his taxes are too low:

Let's be very clear. Buffett's income is derived almost exclusively from dividends and interest on his substantial investments---he's not living on the nominal W-2 paystub he pulls.

Under the 2003 Bush tax cuts, dividend income is taxed at 15% for everybody----that's why his tax rate is 17.7%. These capital-related cuts have been the only reason the US economy and stock market have been so resilient since certain market dislocations in 2001.

So to hell with Warren Buffett and his guilt.

UPDATE: Welcome, Instapundit readers and thanks, Glenn! Here's another millionaire with a plan.

UPDATE: Off topic, but have you seen my pal's Weblog 2007 Best New Blog Nominee, Nice Deb? You should!

Happy Halloween!

Remember this scene from The Exorcist?:

BOO!:

Who To Root For?

Man, this is like picking a Democrat to pull for in the debates. Somali Pirates versus North Koreans:

"The ship was hijacked by security men who were on board and were supposed to be protecting it. The reason for the hijacking is unclear," a Mogadishu port official said.

John D. Wiccafeller, Witch Philanthropist

His real name is Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett, he's a witch, and he just won $33 million in the lottery:

He won it last month; here's the original story.

FINALLY! (Iraq Edition)

The Bad News Well has been running dry in Iraq recently, so up goes a cheer from the MSM! Is it a car bomb? No. Turkish invasion? Nope. Muslim-on-Muslim violence? Please --- use your frickin' imagination!

How about a dramatic, movie-quality dam failure? With US contractor incompetence? And potential Katrina-like turmoil? JACKPOT:

It is "the most dangerous dam in the world," read the report, scheduled to be released Tuesday. As many as 500,000 civilians in Mosul and Baghdad were at risk from any deluge.

Now, if they can get BushCo's HyrdoDyne Halliburton subsidiary's fingerprints on this sucker...oh man oh man.

UPDATE: It gets better! Upriver, leaky mega-dam. Downriver, man-eating sharks:

Locals blamed the U.S. military for the shark's presence. "This is very frightening for us. Our children always swim in the river and I believe that there are more sharks. I believe that America is behind this matter," said fisherman Hatim Karim.

Swingers Answering Machine Scene

bmac reminded me of one of my favorite movie scenes while making an observation about a new Perfunction fan:

It's not you --- it's me.

What A Perfect Place For A Missile Shield Radar

In Azerbaijan, the US Embassy and other Western interests were targets of a recently busted-up Sunni terror group:

The National Security Ministry said the group had planned a "large- scale, horrifying terror attack" but did not provide details or say if any other weapons had been involved. It described the plotters as adherents of the strict Wahhabi interpretation of Sunni Islam, which counts Osama bin Laden and many al-Qaida members among its adherents.

And to think, Putin was offering up a rusty Soviet-era Azerbaijani radar site to us as a replacement for the Czech site we're trying to develop for our ballistic missile defense shield. What a bargain!

Bigafoot Gita

Hunter Rick Jacobs claims to have taken a pic of a "juvenile Sasquatch" in the woods of Pennsylbama. Here's our furry little guru doing downward facing dog:

I'm racking my brain for a Ron Paul / Troofer joke but I got nuthin.' It's Monday and I haven't gotten to my second cup yet.

Utah Is Overstocked With Uneducated Minorities

Overstock.com's founder Patrick Byrne presents a solution to low graduation rates:

He really needs to get it down to a snappy two word phrase --- Ultimate Fix ... Last Answer ... Supreme Closure. Dunno, I'm stumped.

UPDATE: Here is the AP story on the fallout. Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People has some input.

C-RAM In Action

It's Mil Pron time again!

These land-based Navy Phalanx systems were deployed to Iraq last year to shoot down incoming mortar rounds. They've been quite effective:

The U.S. Army has seen rocket and mortar casualty rates drop “to nearly zero” where its Counter-Rocket, Artillery, Mortar Program system has been deployed, said the manufacturer, and now the service plans to buy more.

That was from January of this year. (Side note: the contract is being handled here in my backyard---Redstone Arsenal).

You may have seen a YouTube of C-RAM in action over at Michael Yon's excellent blog earlier in May ( I missed it), but since YouTube seems to be on the fritz right now, here's a LiveLeak of C-RAM hosing down incoming mortar shells in Iraq:

Take This Hijab And Shove It

Here's a multiculturally enlightening video, giving us a glimpse into the rich culture of the Islamic Republic of Iran. We learn about their festive wardrobe and their friendly, helpful public servants:

Now, that last part certainly looks like a spliced-in piece of MEMRI propaganda. How do they know she was being hauled off because of her sexy hijab? Maybe she was taking illicit driving lessons.

UPDATE: Thank you, Ace. Here's a nice bookend video of how we must beware of awareness.

FINALLY!

After nearly a week of furiously grasping for any opportunity to pin something, ANYTHING related to the California wildfires on BushCo's PyroDyne Halliburton subsidiary, the MSM gets a video of Dr. Evil himself snoozing during a briefing:

Snore. Guess it's better than him gleefully barbecuing imported Iraqi infants over smoldering wildfire ruins---but stay tuned! Back to you, Anderson!

Britney's New Lips

Settle down, Nip/Tuck fans. Settle. Down.

Continuing down the inevitable path to a collapse/death in a casino and an ugly estate fight where K-Fed is discovered to be Justin Timberlake's gay lover, Britney Spears gets some lip injections done:

A LA source said that Britney ended up looking ‘freaky’ after getting her lips injected with collagen. "Brit hoped her new lips would improve her look without being really obvious to anyone. But onlookers literally stood opened mouthed when they saw her. She looked freaky," a newspaper quoted the source, as saying.

See if you can spot her new Freak Lips in this video (good luck!), perhaps the most bizarre drive-by paparazzi interview I think I've ever seen:

Brit, what happened?

.

.

UPDATE: Hi, Acers. And here's a still pic I just found. Fugly:

UPDATE: Thanks for stopping by, Conservative Grapevine folks. Thanks, John! Here's a funny Britney cartoon found from the Grapevine site.

Guess The Corky!

   

How CAPTCHAS Saved Civilization

I recently ditched the CAPTCHA thingy for comments here (you're welcome, buncha ungrateful slackers), and luckily have not be covered in spam. Yet.

But perhaps I should reinstate our annoying little friend. We just may save the world:

I love it when serendipity like this happens.

Active Denial System In Action

OK, in order to get the ghey James Lipton video down screen for you Ace visitors, how about some Mil Pron!

Here's that microwave skin heater weapon being tried out on some US Army guinea pigs. Someone call Amnesty International:

Here's the rig:

 

Here's a recent article from AOSHQ reporting the Pentagon saying "no, thanks---it's a torture device." Yep. That top vid certainly reminded me of the end of Braveheart.

What DoD Einstein chose not to show the frolicking -- yet toasty -- hijinx before the thing was nixed?

Le Grand P.I.M.P.

Here's Will Ferrell interviewing James Lipton:

Saving All My Love For You

Or something:

UPDATE: Thanks, Ace. G'evening, morons!

UPDATE: Welcome, Conservative Grapevine (thanks, John Hawkins).

btw, did you know that it's Politically Correct Friday?

The Logical End Of McCain-Feingold

Political speech again stifled:

"What we don't want to get into is a case of one-upmanship, where somebody puts signs on lobster traps, so somebody else puts theirs on an inflatable cow."

NYC Subway Compass Stickers

MTA officials have come up with a great new idea:

After emerging from the labyrinth of New York City's subway system, riders often feel they could use a compass to navigate the world above. Now transit officials are providing one, in the form of large stickers pointing out north, south, east and west and the nearest streets in each direction.

Of course, back when I was a New Yorker we used landmarks to get our bearings. Fuckers.

High School Pricks

Perfect Hemlines, Brown Betty Recipes, And ...

... hot hot pooper sex. Double-U, Tee, Eff?!

Last night, Mrs. Cuffy starts quoting an advice column from Redbook Magazine. I put down Juggs, preparing to hear about stain removal secrets or how to make a spectacular Thanksgiving centerpiece. I mean, c'mon, it's REDBOOK. She began reading aloud:

Dan glanced at me and I felt my cheeks go hot. Anal. It’s the one thing -- well, position -- that I just haven't done.

She had my undivided attention.

When Dan and I started dating, he asked me to have anal. It is, apparently, his fantasy. I told him that if we got married, I'd give him my butt virginity. It's been a year since we tied the knot. Dan's been eyeing me and I know what he wants. I guess I'm just going to have a few shots of tequila and bite the pillow, er bullet, on this one. Wish me luck!

I am not making this up.

Now, I'm sure this points to some kind of pornification of our culture or something. But this morning at the grocery store, I found myself furiously thumbing through Prevention and Readers Digest at the checkout line, a bead of sweat curling down my cheek, looking for signs of a trend. And ass.

Are You Ready For Halloween?

Ace is! Cool PowerLoader costume:

Hat tip: Dave and Thomas.

Alabama Racists Endorse Hillary, Spurn Obama

"I think America is readier to elect a white woman than it is a black man."

A bombshell endorsement that sheds new light on Democrat aspirations in the Deep South:

Vajayjay Airlines: Branson & AirSlut Land In Vegas

Remember the crotch-flashing whiner who got kicked off a Southwest flight for scanty attire? Well, I think we now can confirm what medical procedure prompted her flight to Arizona:

Kyla Ebbert & Richard Branson at Virgin American Airlines Las Vegas party.

Hat tip Splash News Online.

Oh, and here's video of Sir Richard literally tearing a new one as he drops from the top of the Palms Hotel.

UPDATE: Thanks for flying, HotAir!

UPDATE: Welcome, Gilbert & Sullivan fans, Thanks, Ed!

UPDATE (11-16-07): As Allah says, Mission Accomplished.

The Man In The Yellow Hazmat

I keep waiting for the Invisible Hand of the market to start pimp slapping the Chinese:

A U.S. toy company said it has halted shipments of its Chinese-made Curious George products to retailers and would issue a recall if testing confirms a nonprofit's charges that the items contain illegally high amounts of lead.

News From Idaho

Mystery pooper!

Gold Digger Triggers Humbling Viral Email With Craiglist Personal Ad

A buddy of mine at Goldman sent me the email in question last week. Without a link to the Craigslist personal ad, I naturally thought it was bogus. Not so:

"I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all," the woman, who described herself as "spectacularly beautiful" and "superficial," wrote.

The mystery banker, who said he fit the bill, offered the woman an analysis of her predicament, describing it as "plain and simple a crappy business deal."

"Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity ... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!" the banker wrote.

"So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset," he said. "Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!"

The banker's due diligence ended thusly:

"It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease," he said.

Happy 50th Birthday, Pseudonym!

This week is the 50th anniversary of the publication of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, the source of yours truly's lame-ass cybernetic alias. I must say I look pretty awesome in a pair of jaunty jodhpurs and jackboots.

Perfidious Scandis Punk NYC Councilman

Language alert. Staten Island Councilman James Oddo gets a bit riled by a Daily Show-style fake news interview:

Yes, the TV crew is from Norway.

One can only hope we get some of this NYC-style smackdown from Rudy in the near future.

UPDATE

Dave In Texas points me to the Fox News roundup of the story. The blonde Norwegian reporter, Pia Haraldsen, says she was...aroused...by Oddo's outburst:

“I think Mr. Oddo’s reaction was quite normal and I’ve always been fond of men with a temperament,” the heavily-accented Haraldsen said, adding that she wouldn’t mind having Oddo as a “rumba and salsa” partner on "Dancing with the Stars."

Bowwwwnnn chicka bowowownnnnn.

Which is Scandi for "pleased to be having more pickled cod egg frappe." Or something.

TANSTAAFL: Not Really A Scandi Word

Competition has gotten so cut-throat in the Norwegian supermarket business that the number 2 chain has resorted to some crazy-like-a-fox marketing tactics:

"We trust the customers, if they say they are not pleased with something, we do not ask any questions," Coop spokesman Vidar Ullenroed told Reuters.

"We will refund the whole amount," Ullenroed told top-selling tabloid VG, adding that there did not have to be anything wrong with the product to get cash back.

Coop will also refund products such as washing detergents and even dog food, if the owner believes it did not live up to the canine's expectations.

That box of CodHelper give you the squirts? I-Feel-Like-Lutefisk-Tonight have you pining for the fjords? No worries there, Ingvar---you'll get all your danegeld back.

What's that you say, Dagmar? That this is some gonzo-capitalism destined for abuse? By Thor's Hammer, these shopkeepers will not be had:

Coop said, however, that it will be "cautious" about refunding cash for already consumed alcohol.

But market leader Krogerrand is already one step ahead of Coop, test marketing free-cash dispensing self-checkouts at several locations.

His Muse Shall Never Be Tamed

"My hands were too soft.. I had to find some special occupation, some kind of work that would not force me to turn away from the sky and the stars, that would allow me to discover the meaning of life." --- Marc Chagall

Ass-painter in Groucho mask sues to get his job back:

The Mysterious Perez Hilton

Most of you know this guy(?) from the myriad crotch shots of celebs he publishes at his site. Who hasn't seen the private skankdoms (NSFW -- VJJ alert!) of Britney, Paris, and Lindsey? Thank you, Perez Hilton.

Well, here he is with Hef and a bunny, looking like a Fight Club member ready to belt out the whistle solo from Benny And The Jets:

Nice black eye! Maybe he's Frank Luntz's evil twin.

UPDATE

Thanks for the link, Ace. Nothing newsworthy in this related vid---just some gals dishing:

Missing Ingredients

Shit and piss -- those are like kryptonite to fascist Art censors. Until a good slathering of excrement is applied, a Buddha sporting wood is an easy, plump target for jackbooted thugs:

Norfolk Police asked for the sculpture to be turned around after receiving complaints from people who saw the bronze statue - which shows genitals in the shape of a banana and eggs.

Destination: Forbidding Rat Island

A fierce rat hegemony reigns in the icy wastes of the Aleutian Islands. Alarmed biologists are calling for their merciless EXTERMINATION:

Rodents have reigned at Rat Island at the western end of the Aleutians since the 1780 shipwreck of a Japanese sailing ship, wreaking havoc on millions of seabirds with no natural defenses against land predators.

"A lot of the birds you find, the only parts the rats eat are the eyeballs and the brains."

Pushing The Limit

The minute I think that teen culture has finally descended lower than Britney's gobbler throat, the pendulum swings wildly back. A bunch of goody-too-shoes are finding Da Vinci Code evil in their senior class t-shirts:

I think they're totally right---someone punked them. I also think they're totally gay.

UPDATE

Welcome, HotAir and Ace pals. Need some actual outrage & depravity? Crack whores and more crack whores. And also a decency antidote to all this foolishness (please help Kramer).

Tickle Me, Crackho

Man, it's getting to the point where I should start using those blog category thingies. More crack whore news:

Police say 37-year-old Wendy Cook's 5-year-old daughter and 8-week-old son were with her as she stayed out all night having sex and doing drugs. Police say at one point Cook even snorted cocaine off the baby's stomach as she was breastfeeding.

Pre-Emptive Payback

Trigger happy?