Perfunction

HApoy Nedwsw Ysesartfg@!

Typing with thumbs is hard.

Early Merry Christmas & Happy Birthday!

To me. Since we'll be traveling from now until after Christmas, this is a pre-written autopost. Check out the birthday present Mrs. Cuffy gave me:

That's right---table freaking saw. Yes, I asked for it and picked it out. Yes, I've got a lot of house projects planned. Yes, I'm an idiot.

Anyway, have a very Merry Christmas everyone!

Bob Kerrey Apologizes To Obama

"On second thought, maybe Barack Obama IS the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life!"

After surely catching some Hillary heat for NOT calling Barack Obama the "Islamic Manchurian Candidate," Bob Kerrey reconsiders his Smear-The-Muslim-Smear, er, Smear and apologizes:

"I answered a question about your qualifications to be president in a way that has been interpreted as a backhanded insult of you. I assure you I meant to do just the opposite," Kerrey wrote.

But maybe this apology is a fourth (fifth?) derivative, double bluff, octuple reverse psychology, false flag smear---just to get into Obama's head and stuff!

He went on to say he considers Obama one of the most talented people he's met in politics and "exceptionally qualified by experience and judgment to be president of the United States." He expanded on Obama's potential to bring peace to the world and his capacity to inspire hope—high praise for someone backing Obama's top rival.

Gears within gears! ZZZZTTTTT! Does not compute!

UPDATE: Thanks, Dave in Texas at AOSHQ. And hello, HotAir (thanks guys). Hey, Michelle!

UPDATE: Out of sheer curiosity, I peeked in over at a Kos thread to see what their reaction was. My my my:

HRC Apology Tour...It's getting real old...

True...Clinton reminds me of Kevin Cline's character in "A Fish Called Wanda" who keeps kicking a guy and saying "I'm Sorry" then kicks again.

So I guess those of us who were outraged deserve an apology from those Hillary supporters who attacked us? I spent an hour of my life the night before defending her against baseless attacks, and I've done that consistently (there's enough  to dislike about her that we don't need to sink to her level to attack her).  But I will never defend her again, no matter how ridiculous the insult is.  She wants to play this way, I'll play right back.

Honestly, I started observing this race with all candidates having a clean slate to my eyes. Now I can easily tell you I fully detest Senator Clinton. I watched her husband on TV arguing that all the Democratic candidates except Senator Obama are qualified to be President. Disgusting. The drug dealer flap was the most irritating.

Same here. It was like Hillary knew exactly how to make me despise her, and she took every step in that direction. It's been a downward spiral since the campaign started. And it's sad, because I used to really admire and respect her. Now, not even a little.

Fred Squats On Fireman's Helmet!

Between grunts bellows "I've got a silly hat rule!" Bipartisan Outrage! and Indignation! follow.

Jesus, I can't wait for this campaign to be over.

Not Safe For Wood

We conservatives have been yappin' about socialized medicine for quite a while now. Inevitably, the limey bogeyman---the UK National Health Service---enters the argument, with examples of extraordinary waiting times for simple procedures and other bureaucratic nightmares. But most critics seem to neglect a fundamental danger of nationalized healthcare: the freaking nannies.

Officious paperpushers? I can handle. Not-in-my-job-description "service" folk? No big whoop. But when the nannies get their hands on some concrete resources and power, watch out:

Prof Sir Muir Gray, chief knowledge officer for the NHS, has criticised the 'prudish' approach to the images, describing the neutered options as resembling aliens.

He said: "I'm all for the genitalia – anything else would just be an overly prudish Victorian approach."

So here's a warning to liberals. Socialized medicine may be one of your ultimate dreams, but realize the day will come when some very illiberal folks will get their hands on the levers of your dreamy social tool. That's how political resources work. And you will not be happy.

Just back away from that Pandora's Box.

Let's Pass The Time By Playing A Little Solitaire

In some masterful mudslinging jujitsu, Bob Kerrey clearly states that Barack Obama is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life not an "Islamic Manchurian Candidate." Quotes Ace from NRO's Media Blog:

Pressed about his comments on CNN, Kerrey purported to distance himself from the very smear campaign he was advancing: "There is a smear campaign going on. And people are acting as if he's an Islamic Manchurian candidate."

Get that? Obama is the Islamic Manchurian Candidate. Not.

Friendless US Achieves Yet Another Missile Intercept Milestone

Our arrogant bunker mentality yields results! Our best ally in Asia, Japan took a big step forward in Pacific missile defense:

Japan said Tuesday it had shot down a ballistic missile in space high above the Pacific Ocean as part of joint efforts with the United States to erect a shield against a possible North Korean attack.

Japan tested the US-developed Standard Missile 3 (SM-3) interceptor from a warship in waters off Hawaii, becoming the first US ally to intercept a target using the system.

Here's some raw video of the interceptor launch from the Japanese Aegis cruiser JS Kongo, the target launch from Kauai, and reactions from the fine folk who pulled all this off. There are about a million camera angles of the SM-3 launch, so be patient, and do not make any stale jokes about Japanese camera habits...

Ding! Fries Are Done

It's that special time of year. This one's for Winston Corky:

Over The Counter Jenkem At Walgreens

Wholly Inappropriate DIY Project

I don't know how I came across this, so let me just start quoting:

Line the inside of the firebox with drywall and wallpaper it. Don't be conservative in this small space. Pick an eye-catching pattern that pushes past your usual comfort zone. Spray-paint magenta or another bold color as a sign that you don't take life too seriously.

Paint the sooty inside of the firebox a color that complements your decor. Place some large sculptural pieces in the firebox.

Attach mirrors to the inside of the firebox using mirror adhesive. You'll have to make templates and take them to a glass cutter, which is a hassle, but the decorative payoff is worth it.

From Domino Magazine.

Dirigibles In

Get on the fast track and ride this hot rocket to victory --- Warp Speed! ZOOOOOOM!

Ron Paul blimp ca: November 2008:

ohmydearlord

For a nanosecond, I considered voting for Barack Obama:

(h/t: HotAir's debate coverage)

People bitch about soundbite politics all the time. Well, that was one of the best soundbites I've heard/seen this election. And it really only works as video. Obama's staggering start, Clinton's cackling preemption, and then Obama's coup de grace with Hillary utterly shellshocked and destroyed in front of your very eyes.

It was beautiful.

And then that nanosecond expired.

Paris Hilton Does Goldfinger

No, she's not playing Pussy Galore. No, she's not breaking in to Fort Knox by gassing the guards with aerosol Valtrex. And no, she is not strapped to a table to have her taint warts zapped by a giant laser while a nuke ticks away in the corner.

Here's her take on the gold covered dead chick:

Apparently, this ad picture well help sell more of her new wine in a can, "Rich Prosecco":

Paris, 26, is launching the new "bubbly blonde" drink - which comes in original, passion fruit and strawberry flavours - in Berlin, Germany, this week and in the US next year.

Somewhere, Michael Bay Ejaculates

Real life action adventure here---an Apache gunship in Afghanistan engages a target. The rocket volleys go wide, so they open up with the gun. At extremely close range. Uh oh:

UK Quickening: There Can Be Only None

Gun control takes a major leap in the direction of reductio ad absurdum in the UK. As the new murder weapon of choice in gunless Britain, now only outlaws will have samurai swords:

Elmer Pantry: Huckabee, Gastric Bypass & Mormons

With a link to a rather persuasive hit piece on Mike Huckabee regarding bariatric surgery as the Occam's Razor that stripped over 100 pounds off his frame (not diet & exercise as Huck claims), Ace sums up his displeasure with Huckabee quite nicely down in the comments:

It's not *just* gossip for the sake of personal attacks.  You know, he's made a rather big deal about his supposedly natural weight loss.  Wrote a book about it.  Encouraged others to lose weight like he did.  A lot of people know little more about him than he dropped the pounds.

That said I hate his fucking guts.  He's a nasty little bastard who's claiming Jesues endorses him and that Romney is in league with Satan.  He's almost certainly behind all those push-polls and he pretends to be this sweet dufus.  He's as nasty as hillary is and he's got a goddamned bodycount to show for his Elmer Gantry act.

Ouch, baby. Just ouch. And spot on.

Monday Big Bang Theory: Swordmaster

It comes on tonight at 7:30pm Central on CBS, here is the WoW scene that preceded the first clip I posted:

Go, Nads!

Since the beginning of time, men have been on a quest to protect their scrota. From the knights of old:

To English royalty:

To even the feudal peasants:

(editor's note: WTF? That first RenFair dude looks like Henry VIII. The turkey leg and/or HotPocket is behind his back.)

But that random shot to the boys is ever present:

Injuries to the scrotum tend to take care of themselves after bruises, swelling and bleeding. A severe hit can twist the testicle around, damaging it so much that in the worst cases it would have to be removed.

Excuse me a sec. One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi. Breathe in, breathe out. Alright. Proceed.

But let there be junk jeopardy no more. Behold, the Nutty Buddy:

The Nutty Buddy comes in a variety of sizes. Take a guess at what the bestseller will be:

Littell's cups come with macho names: "Hammer," "Boss," "Hog" and for really big men, the XL-sized "Mongo."

So, go forth protected. Take that walk-on movie role as the jerk/villian/asshole camp counselor/klutzy dad! Get on America's Funniest Home Videos every week! You can dream:

 

Mosquito Misquote Beclowns Blogger

{Cross Posted at Ace's Open Blog}

Jumping all over a juicy racist quote from Mark Steyn's America Alone, lib blogger Jim Henley is utterly beclowned. Henley is taking advice in his open comments...

Ugh.

I was starting to feel a little guilty because I was, perhaps, enjoying the Huckabee-Dumond implosion a bit too much. Then I read this from Jim Geraghty:

STUDENT: Recent polls show you surging... What do you attribute this surge to?

HUCKABEE: There's only one explanation for it, and it's not a human one. It's the same power that helped a little boy with two fish and five loaves feed a crowd of five thousand people. (Applause) That's the only way that our campaign can be doing what it's doing. And I'm not being facetious nor am I trying to be trite. There literally are thousands of people across this country who are praying that a little will become much, and it has. And it defies all explanation, it has confounded the pundits. And I'm enjoying every minute of them trying to figure it out, and until they look at it, from a, just experience beyond human, they'll never figure it out. And it's probably just as well. That's honestly why it's happening.

And like a V-2 screaming over London, my schadenfreude returns with a vengeance. He's not trying to be trite.

Try harder, you saccharine huckster.

Fred! Locks Up the Jack Bauer Caucus

In an apparently widely unwatched hour-long interview with Charlie Rose last night, Fred Thompson waffled all over the place about torture:

Thompson: I'm telling you, as President, if the lives of a bunch of American citizens were at stake and I thought that there was a good chance that an individual had information and could impart information that would help save those lives, I'm just saying, that I would do whatever is necessary to get that information from that person. I would authorize that. Whatever is necessary to save a number of American lives (emphatically).

That was the official Perfunction transcription (i.e. me typing furiously while hitting the pause button every 10 seconds). The entire interview is here, with torture discussed at the 40:40 mark.

I smell a comeback.

UPDATE: Hi guys (thanks, Ace.). Welcome, Stop the ACLU (thanks, Jay).

UPDATE: Hey, thanks for coming by fellow Instapundit readers (thank you, Glenn).

UPDATE: Swoon away! Thanks, Allah.

For-the-hell-of-it Update: I was looking for a "stern Fred" pic to jazz up the post, but was stopped short by a nice family pic. You're welcome:

My Favorite New Sitcom

Big Bang Theory, Monday nights CBS. About four nerds:

UPDATE: Here's the show intro with a snappy theme by Bare Naked Ladies:

IED-Proof Vehicle Orders SLASHED

No, this is not some absurd Hail Mary play by the Democrats to cut the deployment of hulking MRAPs (Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicles) in order to force a bloody reversal of the downward IED casualty trend. That would not be patriotic.

Rather, Defense News reports that the Marines themselves are canceling MRAP orders --- by over a third:

The decision is a sharp about-face for the service, which once envisioned every Marine in Iraq traveling outside the wire in the vehicles, and comes as Commandant Gen. James Conway openly complains that MRAPs are weighing the Corps down. The Corps had planned to buy as many as 3,700 of the vehicles, but Conway approved a reduction in the requirement to 2,300.

This is a remarkable development, mainly because troop protection has been the only part of the Iraq mission the Democrats have actively supported. Indeed, presidential delusionist hopeful Senator Joe Biden has been a leading advocate for increased MRAP deployment.

Now the troops are saying "thanks, but no thanks, " because --- are you ready? --- they don't need MRAPs as much:

The numbers of IEDs found and the deaths they caused have declined steadily since June. In September, coalition forces found 2,022 IEDs. That's down 38% from March, this year's peak.

But, wait don't you get it?  The surge is not working!

Marine Commandant Conway summarizes (Defense News):

"We have an imperative to provide MRAP protection to our Marines and sailors consistent with mission and terrain,” Conway said in the statement. “I am completely comfortable with reducing our requirement for MRAPs based on input from Marine field commanders with experience employing these vehicles.”

The cut is in line with Conway’s directive to return the Corps to its expeditionary mission. The heavy vehicles are not as maneuverable as other transport, and not quick or agile enough to pursue the enemy off road, in confined areas or across many bridges. Instead, Marine officials intend to buy more armored Humvees, which have been used extensively in Anbar province.

Anbar? That hellhole?

.

UPDATE: Welcome, HotAir (thanks, Bryan & Allah).

UPDATE (12-12-07): Yes, I scooped the Weekly Standard by a week. ZING! (read it, it's good).